25 - Ten Silver Horses

There was a light rain that afternoon, the wispy clouds turning the sky pale and then gray and cleansed the city but did nothing for my spirit. I thought of Raikas, finally released, in his room at the Mezem. I hoped he was sleeping.


Tobeas caught up to me after I escaped Ailadas and before I could vanish into one of the libraries. He never seemed to figure out when I disappeared that was where I was. Servants were mopping the Sunrise hall clear of the sparkle of condensation that formed on the walls every time the weather changed. “Spark of the Sun’s Ray,” he said, his pulpit voice making me sleepy just from everyday conversation, much less his catechism.

“What?” I was in no mood to be nice to him.

“Hmmm. Spark of the Sun’s Ray, I am required to teach you the words of the Gods by your Divine father and we did not finished this morning.”

I looked the dekinas up and down, his sweaty jowls still moist even in the cool rain, his muddy blue gray eyes sitting like beads in bread dough. “So give me the text and I’ll read it later.”

“Hmmm.” I was suddenly ready to scream. I pulled the end of my hair into my mouth. Did I have every servant with a verbal tick in the city? He opened his mouth and I stomped my foot, warningly. “I… of course, Spark of the Sun’s Ray. I shall leave that with your servant of chambers for you then, Spark of the Sun’s Ray.” That was something else I hated. Tobeas always crammed as many of my titles into his conversation as he could and never, ever used short forms. I thought of the okas who had died this day.

“Tobeas -- fik off.” The servant moving a flower urn behind him began coughing suddenly. Probably the type of bloom. He sniffed but left me alone.

That night I went down to the Mezem and found Raikas all but unconscious, knocked out by the drug Iskanzas had given him. Skorsas hovered protectively and I looked at Raikas’s body laid on its face to spare the stripes across his back. They looked black and glistening in the lamplight. He looked dead.

I couldn’t breath well and I wasn’t going to wake him so I left, quietly for a change. I had Tathanas and Sinim Mahid at my back this night and I couldn’t help but think of the crack of Sinim’s backhand against Raikas’s face. It was as though I could feel his satisfaction behind me. A deep satiation radiated off him like a bad smell. I don’t think I imagined it.

*

“Ten silver horses to take you to sleep,
and when the moon rises,
ten silver horses for you to keep.

Ten silver horses wherever you roam
And when the sun rises,
Ten silver horses to carry you home.”

Next day I had to attend the tribute presentation from Mogh-iur, and it was well after the Noon Observance before I could escape. My father was displeased with me for cursing Tobeas and lectured me on proper respect to priests of all ranks all through luncheon. I could see my dekinas standing behind my father’s chair, safely out of his line of sight, nodding and smiling when father made a point he particularly liked, triple chins squishing and stretching as he nodded.


I sat and ate everything I was supposed to, stuffing my face as father spoke so he would not fault me for skimping. It was second bead past Noon when I could, at long last, go out into the city, leaving two essays and a discourse, sitting on my desk, to write for my tutor later.


I was bloated with food and lecture, struggling to digest both. I felt filled up right to the bottom of my throat, the top of my stomach, heavy as though I had eaten stones instead of all the dishes the chef made honouring the Mogh-iur horse culture. Everything from the starters of horse meatballs on sticks, to the running horse pastries filled with redberry cream to finish.


I heaved my bloated self down the Steel Gate steps trying to ignore my escort in a way I never had before. I would have both Tathanas and Sinim as my Mahid for the rest of this eight-day and, like last night, felt them behind me like a black and bloody shadow clinging to my heels. It was a relief when they took their positions at the Mezem building, further away from me.


I knocked on Raikas’s door as I always did now “I’d like to come in please.” And like last night, Skorsas answered.


“Certainly Spark of the Sun’s Ray, certainly.” He was whispering. “Spark of the Sun’s Ray he’s not himself yet.” Raikas had his face turned to the wall, the scabbed over whip marks on his back looking less terrifying today than last night. I thrust a jar at Skorsas.


“Here, decant this for him. If you don’t have a decanter worthy of it, get one. It’s a 200 year old nakiti.”


“Uh… thank your incomparable self, Spark of the Sun’s Ray.”


“Is that Minis?” That was Raikas from the bed, his voice both hoarse and very weak.


“Yes, it is,” I said.


“You can come in.”


“Thank you, Raikas.” Skorsas nodded at me, as if to say, ‘See? He’s not himself.’ And I nodded back. For a moment he and I were aligned. I sat down on the stool by the bed as Skorsas did his best impression of a Marble Palace servant and disappeared.


Raikas turned so he lay on his stomach again and turned his head to look at me. He looked, if anything, more haggard than the night before, his face tight with emotion rather than relaxed by the drug. There were marks of tears. These Yeola-e men cried so easily. It was amazing that they were so tough and yet showed their feelings. “You stay lying down flat. I’ll bet that’s what the healer, and Skorasas have, told you.”


There was a bowl of water on the bedside table and a damp cloth beside it. I wanted to help and thought it might so I picked it up and wiped Raikas’s face with it, trying to be gentle. I’d never done anything like that before, never had someone I wanted to take care of, or make feel better. I really felt I didn’t know what to do, but Raikas closed his eyes and it did seem to help.


“Thanks.”


“You’re welcome.” I put the cloth back in the bowl and Raikas clenched his eyes shut, more tears welling up.


“I…I.. c-c-can’t help it.” I figured out how to wring the cloth so I didn’t drip all over his face and wiped the tears away as they came, but my gentleness seems to set him off more.


“Shh… shh…” I’m not sure what to say. Some things I’d overheard the senior Mahid teaching the younger ones came to mind. “It’s all right for you to let the tears out. Mahid try to shut you up because it hurts you worse… so you should cry. It’s all right. It’s okay.”


Raikas wept and shook in his bed, turning his face into my cloth. When he calmed a little I put the cloth down and pushed his hair back from his face. I remembered my first nurse stroking my hair so I did it to Raikas and it seemed to help him. “Kahara.” He said, and shuddered a breath in.


“I’d hug you, Raikas, but I’m afraid I’d hurt you… they… ummm. They probably hurt you everywhere they could without damaging you.” I picked up his hand in both of mine.

“I… g-g-get… it.” A deep breath again. “In sp-p-pirit. Thanks.” I leaned forward and kissed his cheek.


“I can’t kiss it better, but I can try.”


“M-m-minis… You… you sh-should stay away from me…”


I cut him off. “I know. I know better than anybody.” His hand clutched at mine, even as he told me I should stay away from him. “But this time… I couldn’t leave you alone.”


“I’m not alone,” he said softly. “I have Sk-k-korsa… Iska…”


“I understand you aren’t alone, even if I can’t come and can’t really help you. You have people who love you.”


“I’m… I’m t-t-tainted –“


“Don’t believe what my father tells you. Don’t believe what Mahid tell you. They lie. They lie if it will hurt you more, or tell you the part of the truth that hurts most.”


“That’s… not what I mean…” His hand twitched in mine as though he would make the Yeoli ‘no’ sign and I interrupted him again.


“Here. Have a drink of water, okay?” I had to let go of him with one hand to hold it for him and I wasn’t very steady. I had to wipe a bit that I spilled trying to give it to him.


“I’m marked out…as a wild one…bad one…”


“Oh. Yes, I see.” I nodded. “I saw that the first time I saw you. I don’t care.”


“I… I… d-don’t… want to get you in t-trouble. I’ve done a good enough j-j-job of that myself.” I stroked his hair back again.


“Look, I have an odd idea. If I sit on your pillow you can lay your head in my lap and it will be like I can hug you that way… and it won’t hurt you.”


“O…k-k-kay.” He managed to lift himself up, shakily and I scooted over, my jewellery catching on the cotton so I yanked it loose, settling so he could lie down with his head in my lap. I was surprised how heavy his head was and he shifted a little and relaxed with a sigh. I felt very grown-up, able to hold him when he’d held me before, and I had an emotion… something sitting in my chest that made me feel warm all through me. I didn’t understand it. I ran both my hands carefully through his hair, his fine curls clinging to my fingers.


“Th-thanks, I –“ He dissolved in tears all over again.


“You’re welcome. Its okay.”


“I know. I know.” He gulped. I realized how powerful pain was to smash a man like Raikas this flat, to reduce him to easy tears over and over. “Nothing you can do – You had to watch it, Kahara, Kahara…”


I brushed his tears away, saw his face was raw from them and picked up the cloth again. There was some lotion in a bowl and I took some on my fingers and sniffed. It wasn’t the medicine so I daubed a little on his face and smoothed it. “Sh… I was trying to be with you. I came out onto the balcony overnight.” He twitched through his whole body and I could feel his jaw clench against my leg.


“No… no no no no no you didn’t want to do that… Be c-c-c-careful Minis.”


I shrugged and then put my hands down again, wanting to hold him. “I don’t know how to show you… but… I think I love you, Raikas, even if I don’t know what that is…”


“I know,” he said quietly. “In my way I I-I-I love you too.”


“Yeha. It will get better again, Raikas.”


“Yeah, so I’m told…”


I cleared my throat. There was something pushing at me and I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate… I opened my mouth and sang the lullaby my first nurse used to sing for me… even if it was a baby song… it seemed right.


“Ten silver horses to take you to sleep,
and when the moon rises,
ten silver horses for you to keep.

Ten silver horses wherever you roam
And when the sun rises,
Ten silver horses to carry you home.”

He lay with eyes closed as I sang, and his body settled heavier on my lap, tears forming on his eyelashes, quietly crying and listening at the same time. “You… don’t have to… sing for me…”


“I know. Even if it’s a silly little song, I like it.”


He nodded slightly, I could feel the tiny motion. “I do too.”


I sat, leaning back against the headboard, stroking his hair. “I can’t do anything else… I’ve done all I can. Can I say thank you?”


“You’re doing plenty – thank you for what?”


“I was scared… when they put you and Mannas up on the… umm. I was scared you might have used some of the stuff I gave you to try and get out. It would have made me an accessory… umm…” Perhaps this wasn’t something to thank him for right now. I sputtered to a halt, almost playing with his hair and made myself stop. That might not be so comforting.


“No… no… we g-g-got it from the Mezem office…


“You DID? Wow. Ummm. Don’t tell me.”


“I won’t, believe me. I’m… in pieces… I’m d-d-destroyed… I know I’ll heal… but…”


“It feels as though your hurts are bigger than a stupid lullaby can fix…” He clenched his eyes shut as I said that.


“No, no, no, don’t say that… It helps… don’t run down anything you do that helps… Its your c-c-caring enough to sing…”


He liked it? I felt warm again. “I can sing hymns or drinking songs… Um… I overhear the servants sometimes. Should I sing one of those for you?”


“W—whatever… yawn… you want.” He was fading away from me, even as he spoke, sleep ambushing him even as he tried to stay awake. I sang him the lullaby again, and then just hummed it as he got heavier and heavier on me, his breathing changing as he fell asleep.


I sat for a long time, my hand on his head, watching the light change in the window, listening to the workmen in the courtyard outside, until my leg started to cramp. I leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Shh… you sleep, Raikas… I need to go…” Then I lifted his head a little and tried to wiggle out from under him without disturbing him too much.


I caught the faint whisper from him… “Mmmm… thank you, Minis.”

I slipped out of the door and closed it softly behind me. Skorsas cracked his door open a hair, as I went by.


“All yours, fessas. He’s asleep.”


this scene from Chevenga's point of view


the mp3 of the lullaby is available: request at shirley.meier@sympatico.ca