42 - I promise to speak to Misahis

I told Chamberlain Iamis, next day, that I wanted Tafis, Stegis, and Sefir dismissed – with honour rather than kicked out in disgrace like Ilian. I had no evidence that they were involved directly with the sexual use of the younger boys, not enough to ruin them, but I still didn’t like them, or want them around.

I did have some evidence that I was right feeling the way I did because with those Companions gone, the mood in their rooms seemed lighter, less dreadful, though everyone was careful not to say anything to me.

I took a bead out of the middle of the day, to hide in the back of the archives, where no one could see me, could hear me. I clutched my knees to my chest and cried my eyes red, my chest sore. I wasn’t sure why I cried but I’d found myself wiping tears, trying to finish an essay for Ailadas and couldn’t make them stop, so I went to weep. I couldn't let anyone know of these unwarranted tears, so purged them myself and hoped it would fix what ailed me.

I knew that Ilian would blame me, for not appreciating his offer. All of the adults would all think that I had demanded his service and been displeased with it. They all blamed me -- for something, for entrapment, for using him and being nasty about it. I was the one with power over him, so no one would believe he would have tried to slide into my bed without my permission. I had the power, thus I had the responsibility, no matter what the truth was. I would be blamed for his dismissal, no matter what I said or did. I just had to learn to bear the weight of that and I was afraid I would be crushed under it.

I suppose that is why I wept. With all the appearance of power, I had nothing. I was helpless in the face of people’s opinion. As a child I hadn’t cared. I had done what I willed, not caring… now I was feeling the weight of that, now that I cared. I was angry at Shefenkas. Why had he showed me I should care? It hurt too much to care. I could feel people’s disgust for a thing I actually hadn’t done.

And after I wept I felt empty, my eyes were dry and itchy and red. My nose was stuffed and sore. My chest felt as though a Lakan mammokas – one of the long-haired, long-tusked behemoths they kept for war or ceremony -- had sat on it. I didn’t think letting my tears out did much but help me feel physically miserable on top of my emotional misery.

I could see a life where I would have to accept blame for every ugly thing someone laid on me… as long as I cared. I would be apologizing my whole life for what I did as a child, as if I could not learn, as if I would never grow out of it. My Father painted me over with his portrait. I added to it with my own thick layers of paint. And no one but Shefenkas had ever bothered to look through the layers to see me underneath. Now I could not see or talk to him again safely – not since Father knew -- I was more alone now that I had been before I knew I was alone.


***


For the first time, after dinner the next night, I desperately wanted gloves to soak up the sweat on my palms. Thank the Ten we began with an Avanayas with a dozen couples from the court. It was slow enough a dance that I didn’t tangle my feet too badly. I was as aware of her pacing regally beside me, our joined hands raised. I was a little troll beside her, her column of gown making her look even taller.

The rows of couples dancing down the ballroom made me feel safer, since I could pass off her hand to the next man and take the fingers of the next girl. With a dozen couples the musicians took us through two stately turns. I managed to calm myself between her and all the others but tightened up like a complete bumpkin the moment her glove touched my hand.

I tried to see some sign if she had heard something, anything about Ilian’s nasty attempt to make himself my favourite last night, but her face was distant and unreadable as a porcelain doll. I could only imagine what was going on behind that perfect face.

For the first time I blessed my dancing master. I was able to improvise enough jumps and turns in the galliardas that I didn’t feel a complete lump. I thought I even saw her smile once, but could not be sure. I was exhausted and trembling after the two dances were done and I could bow away from her, and flee to the privacy of my own rooms.


***


I felt so badly about what Ilian Kallen had done and the consequences I needed to talk to someone about it and the only person I could think of was Shefenkas, though I shouldn’t. I had a means of doing it.

The second of my secret architectural treasures was a passageway out of the Heir’s suite. It took me almost a year of looking and it was together with my last treasure… a blocked passage between the foundation of the Imperial laefetas that went perhaps five steps, turned a right angle and another five steps to a bricked in door.

The way out of the Heir’s suite was in the fountain room. I tapped five of the ten blue seals under the rim of the fountain nearest the window. One of the big stone tiles in the floor dropped down. It had startled me the first time I managed to open it. Something had to go through the hole before it would swing back up into place, quickly, too. I imagined someone thinking that an Heir might have to run from fire or assassin or some other disaster.

A ladder spiralled down around the fountain’s water supply and from the bottom of that, a slide to the outer wall. To get back in, there were finger and toeholds cut into the sides of the slide. The bottom door opened in the shadow under the Heir’s library balcony, with the handholds in the stonework, made of different colours to hide them, looking like shadows. It was a lost part of the secret passageway systems in the Palace. The Mahid knew the bulk of them, but only the most senior Mahid knew all of them. And only I knew my three.

I had never had a reason to sneak out of the Palace before, but I wanted to talk to Shefenkas and didn’t want Father to know. I sent Antras with my sealed note -- “Che,” I had found the odd collection of lines in one of my secret stash of Yeoli books, one book had nothing but the syllables of formal Yeoli, the whole book. “… could you meet with me, the first bead past midnight, at the Gryphon statue marking the beginning of the Solas part of the Lakeshore boardwalk? -- M”

I lay awake, looking at the gauze curtains that were the first to be replaced on my bed… the heavy outside curtains wouldn’t be done for a while but the bugs had to be kept out at night. I was afraid I would fall asleep and miss my appointment. I could hear Binshala snoring lightly, thank the Ten. I finally heard the correct bead drop in the clock, the small chime marking it. I eased out of my bed and was thankful the fountain sound covered any noise I made using the passageway.

I caught my breath at the slide and my feet when thump on the bottom door. It popped open when I pushed the right spot in the wall with my left foot and I crawled out and down the side of the Palace wall.

Whoever had built that passage was smart. The way the buttresses on either side of the balcony, smooth sweeps of stone up the side of the building hid the stone ladder in shadow, perfectly. I had to stop right at the top because I had to turn on my stomach in the door and feel for the first toehold. It scared me, but I couldn’t leave my friend waiting.

The bottom of the ladder set me down behind a crystal obelisk and I checked to see no one could see me. The whole square was black and white under the moon and ran around the black edge of it all to take me down Blue Promenade to the Lakeside boardwalk.

My sandals thumped on the boards all the way around the black lake. It was late enough that the lamps were all burning low and blue, making everything look unreal and ghostly. When I got to the Gryphon I realized I must be early. There was no sign of Shefenkas.

The wind riffled across the black lake making me shiver. I crossed my arms over my chest. I had never been alone in my life. Not that I could ever remember. I tried to tell myself I was no more alone in the city than if I were in a sleeping Marble Palace. Across the lake one of the Filter-Gate Road lights flared as the guard began refilling the reservoirs. It was so far away and it made me feel alone even while it showed warmer yellow between the cliff and the lake.

I looked around and scrambled up on the Gryphon’s raised foreleg and up over his shoulder to tuck myself between the wings. The stone wings cut the breeze so I felt warmer and I could peer up over the stone head and watch the row of lamps along the road opposite, one by one go from faint blue to bright yellow, spreading from the massive Filter-Gates, up the road. Dimly I could see the solas detachment on the newly bright road, like a row of small black ants.

That was when I heard him, heard the beat of the faib skates I had sent him, easily swinging along as though he'd skated every day of his life. His kraiya hilt showed over his shoulder. “Shefenkas,” I called. It was so good to see him. I couldn’t help grinning.

He spun around, looked up, held up his arms to me. “Hello, Minis. Thank you for these. They're wonderful.” I slid off the shoulder of the statue and down into his hug.

"You're welcome."I could feel his harness and the hard, thinness at his back that was his sword. I had missed his hug. I had wanted it like water and didn’t – hadn’t -- known I was thirsty. I clung to him, shaking all over and he held me tight. His hand held the whole back of my head as I shook, trying to stop, trying to speak normally. “Let it out, Minis.”

I sniffed hard and long, trying to pull the tears back inside. “I already cried myself out this afternoon.”

“No you didn’t. Not entirely. What happened?”

I tried to swallow it all again and almost managed it until he said “It’s okay,” softly. I lowered my face into his neck and just bawled. He held me tight until I was cried out, stroking my hair, standing, rocking as though I were much a much smaller boy. Him patting my back seemed to thump a little stability into me.

I scrubbed my face half dry with the back of my hand. “Thank you. I… I need to ask you some stuff.

“You’re welcome lad. Ask away.”

I leaned back to look at him and he set me on my own feet. “Have you heard any rumours out of the Palace about me, overnight?”

“No, lad. Nothing. Shall we sit?” He waved at a bench built into the stone wall along the walk. I took a deep breath of relief. “I never pay attention to rumours about you anyway.”

“One of my companions… um…thought he needed to… um… become my favourite.” I rubbed my eyes again. Shefenkas just sat and gave me his careful attention. “He snuck in while I was asleep… and put his mouth on me…” I waved vaguely at my groin.

He looked shocked. “How old is this kid?”

“He’s fourteen.” I started tugging at the hem of my shirt. There was only lace along the bottom since it was a nightshirt, with no gems.

“What happened next?”

“I woke up and screamed and kicked him… he fell off the end of my bed… He ripped my curtains down and my guards ran in.” I took another deep breath. “I told them to wait and asked him what was he doing and he and he…”

He just waited for me to finish, didn’t try to rush me. “…said he misunderstood what I wanted… I kicked him out and told him to go away… but everyone thinks… they don’t believe I didn’t command him to my bed… just didn’t like his technique and being vindictive… I don’t know… I’m so mad!”

“You think people would think you wanted him there even when you kicked him off your bed? Is it illegal here to sneak up on someone sleeping and doing that?

“I… want to arrest him, truth-drug him, kill him! He laid hands on me, but it’s too much isn’t it? I mean… he makes me sick…I’ve already ruined him. I want to kill him!”

“I can see why you’d want to do that. It doesn’t mean you should but I understand.” He thought a moment longer, his arm warm around my shoulders. “What would your father do if you told him about it? I mean… could you even have him arrested or truthdrugged without your father’s permission?”

I could see Shefenka’s eyes narrow at some thought but couldn’t puzzle it out. “I don’t know what Father would say. Maybe smooth it over because the boy’s father and he are friends…” My stomach hurt. “No… I have to tell him because no one else will.” I bit my lip. “He might wonder why I didn’t just take advantage of Ilian, since he gave himself to me like that…”

“You’re only eleven!” This time I could see the shock. “Is your penis even rising yet?”

A Yeoli could just say such things out straight without blushing or whispering. “No. People would expect me to take what’s offered… I’m my Father’s son and he takes everything.”

“But you’re only eleven! And you don’t want it yet!”

“I guess… I suppose… Ilian thought I did… or could be persuaded.”

“If he thought you could be persuaded, he should have tried while you were awake.”

I thought about that one for a while. I could put the end of my night braid into my mouth and did. “His dad is a good suck, Father says.”

“A good suck?” I could see him realize he didn’t want to know, even as the words came out of his mouth. “Its okay, you don’t have to explain. The son is probably trying to be like the father.”

“Yeah. I was going to get rid of him anyway from my household… I didn’t like him. I guess he panicked and figured it was easier to get forgiveness than permission.”

“It’s really true though that people would suspect you?”

“I thought so… I thought I could see them looking disgusted… before they covered it up with politeness… but I don’t know…”

“It might just as well have been at him. He’s fourteen – usually the elder gets blamed. And you kicked and screamed and had the guards turn him out. They saw that, didn’t they?”

“I suppose but I’m in power over him. So its my responsibility.”

“You yelled he wasn’t invited. You can’t control what other people are doing when you’re asleep. Why don’t you ask people?” I had no answer to that, and twisted my night shirt in my hands, looking down. “I guess… I guess you can’t count on them to tell you the truth?”

“No.” I took a deep breath. “I think… I should just pretend it didn’t happen… that way it won’t hurt me.”

His arm tightened around me again and I curled up on the bench cuddling up to him, burying my face in his side. “Do you feel in a way as if you were wounded?”

I nodded. “I was having a nice dream… then it was nasty and ruined…”

“You mean, while you were dreaming it was pleasurable? Then turned bad when you saw who it really was?” I just nodded again, not wanting to get into whom I was really dreaming about.

He sighed, his voice rumbling through me as he held me close. “Minis… let me tell you a story. It happened to me in the Lakan War. I was sixteen. I got captured… and the Lakan noble who had me wanted to make a little money from me, while he negotiated my ransom. So he rented me out… as a stud.” I looked up at his profile against the closest street light. He gazed across the lake, obviously not seeing it. “They told me I had to get this woman pregnant, or they’d cut off my balls.”

My mouth went round. Not the usual way captured warriors were treated if they were going to be ransomed. “To breed more slaves,” I whispered.

He nodded. “I didn’t want her… I wanted nothing to do with it. But I was under threat and she knew how to make a man’s body react.” Like Mahid, I thought.

“So… did it hurt and feel good at the same time?”

“Yes it did. It hurt as badly as it felt good. Three different women, two times each, before I was set free.” I uncoiled enough to fling my arms around his neck. “I hated myself for enjoying it. So then I had to go to a mind-healer. You get captured, you go to a mind healer afterwards. That’s the rules in Yeoli army.”

“It is?”

He nodded again. “I pretended it was nothing. My friends said ‘Put to stud? You have all the luck!” He ran a hand over his hair. “I laughed it off. And when the healer asked me, had I been raped, had I had sex forced on me, I said no. She set me straight.” He looked down at me, let me settle on his lap. “If you’re threatened with castration if you don’t. That’s forced. This boy forced you in a different way, by sneaking up on you. It’s just as much against your will.” He looked down at me, completely serious. “You were powerless. But the most important thing for me, was to understand enough to quit hating myself for it. I did that.”

“That’s good.”

“The other worry, that my child would be a slave in Laka, got sorted out later.”

“You did… umm.” I didn’t want to say the vile thing.

“Get one of them pregnant? Yes. But sorting it all out wasn’t easy.”

I was suddenly shaken with jealously at this child. His child. I felt mad at that boy because Shefenkas was his father. “Is he a good kid?” Perhaps he was a bad boy and I could get the love he was wasting. “Worth loving?”

Shefenkas smiled, a big, warm smile and my heart sank. “He’s a wonderful kid. I can’t tell you how much I love him.” My heart sank further if that were possible. “His mother’s name is Tanasha, or Tanazha if you pronounce it the Lakan way.” A few more tears escaped out of the corners of my eyes. Why would I think any differently? Of course he was a father. Of course he loved his child. His wonderful boy. “Minis, all kids are worth loving. But of course I have a particular bias towards my own.” Why couldn’t the Gods have made me that kid? Why couldn’t you have been my father? “I can’t tell you how much I miss him.”

“You got him back then?” I tried not to be mad. It was the way the world was. Anything else was crazy.

“Yes, I told the new king of Laka about it after we were friends. He had his people find them, and set him and his mother free. Not that she was told why or anything. She had to make her own inquiries to find that out.” I managed another deep breath. It was getting easier. “She gave him up to me, though I didn’t think I should take him.”

“Isn’t that right? He’s your son. You have rights to him.”

“Not in Yeola-e, Minis. He knew her only as a parent. I was a stranger. She thought she’d never see him again but I arranged thing so he’d visit every summer.”

“How old is he?”

“Coming up on four.” Oh, he was only a baby, really. I didn’t have to be mad at him. It didn’t sound like it was easy being him, either. “In time I won him over.” Feeling Shefenkas’s arm around me, I could understand that right down to my bones.

“Yeah. You would.”

“I know, Minis. All a child needs to love, is to be loved.” Oh. And no one had ever loved me. How did I know? Maybe I didn’t really know how to love.

“I miss you. A lot.”

“I know, Minis. But my point is that you should see a mind healer.”

“I can’t. If it gets out people will think its because I’m crazy. Unfit to be Heir. Father would never allow it.”

“Ah. Even secretly? You have a Haian who checks you, right?”

“Yes. Oh. I could tell him, couldn’t I? Thank you, I wouldn’t have thought of that.”

“A Haian can’t tell anyone else what you tell him.” Shefenkas hugged me again. And I wanted to show him my way into the Marble Palace, an urge to share.

“You think it might be safe to show you my secret way out of the Marble Palace? No one else in the whole world knows.”

“You would know better than I. You’re thinking to sneak me in? Don’t forget, lad, they’re still truth drugging me.”

“Oh. Yes. Maybe later, when they’ve stopped doing that.”

His face in the lamplight looked haggard and worn suddenly. “If they ever do. Sooner or later they’ll realize they’ve mined me out.”

I patted his arm. “Shefenkas, it will be all right, someday. I pray.” He took a deep breath.

“Thank you. I pray so, too. For both of us. They truth-drug me less often than they used to, so its getting there… And you are going to talk to your Haian.”

“Yeah. I promise.”

“Now and then I see you in the Imperial Box. I hope you weren’t too scared for me when I fought Seliko… that was the Judge’s Clemency fight.”

“I was so scared I forgot to breathe.” Shefenkas grinned that lopsided grin of his down at me.

“He never had a chance. Minis… my advice…words to live by… NEVER forget to breathe.” I couldn’t help it. I had to grin back at him.

“Okay. Father’s going to be making my betrothed come to the fights with us. Her father is one of the geezer judges who bought you. You’ll see both of us then. And I’ll be sending my heart to you, even if I don’t do anything.”

“I will take that to heart. Thank you. The one with Riji Kli-fas is bound to be more interesting than usual.”

“That one I’m scared about.” He smiled wider at me.

“You are? Some fan you are, having so little confidence in your fighter. You mustn’t sap my morale, you know.”

“Oh. Ummm.” I could feel myself blushing in the cool air. “Sorry. Ummm. You can take him Shefenkas! No problem!” I could see his smile growing.

I had to laugh. I could see him teasing me. “That’s more like it! I think you should bet heavily on it… since you’re in such desperate need for extra money.”

“Hmph. How are the baths coming?”

“Coming? They were done a couple of months ago. Everyone very much likes them.”

“Oh good. I lost track.”

“No one misses the old courtyard, much.” I pulled away reluctantly, all the parts of me warmed by him, suddenly cool.

“I suppose I should go… Invincible Karas Raikas.”

He laughed. “You go with the Divine, Intelligent Minis.” I got up off the bench and so did he but I only managed one step away before I had to turn back for one more hug.

“Gods night to you.”

“If you get the urge to not tell the healer… overcome it. It’s very important. Trust me.” I twitched and almost pulled away from him.

“I promised!” Did he not think I kept my promises?

“True. You did. I’ll take you at your word.” I nodded and tugged on my skate laces, before skating away from him along the walk, away from where I wanted to be, in his love, in his regard. His love for a son was a safe place, a Divine place, and it was not and couldn’t be mine, any more than I already had.

_________

This scene from Chevenga's pov