78 - I am Forzak. This is Hayel.

Next morning I snarled at Binshala to go away and leave me alone. I had apparently been working hard enough and long enough at being polite that she actually showed a flash of surprise but she curtsied and left my morning kaf to cool on the table while I buried my head under the gold satin pillows. I fled back into sleep.

I dreamt Misahis came to me and his compassionate kaf-coloured face almost made me crack, either burst into tears or scream. "I'm not sick. Go away!

“Spark of the Sun's Rey," he said in that distinctive accent, in my dream. "Let me give you your base remedy and I weel leave you be." I sullenly opened my mouth and accepted the drops under my tongue. A second later I was in tears and couldn't stop them coming. I believe he saw them before I hid them, throwing my arms over my face and he dissolved away into my older brother Kurkas’s face. He didn’t say anything to me at all. He stood looking at me, bleeding all down the Presentation gown, over his feet, his blood rising around me, pressing on me up to my chin until I strained to swim in it but couldn’t float and it washed over my lips and nose up to just under my eyes. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t open my mouth to my brother’s blood.

I sat up with a gasp, sweating enough that my bedding was soaked through. It was all a dream, a nightmare. I didn’t do that to Shefenkas. Father didn’t make him do that to me. It was a dream. Yes.
No.

No. It wasn`t a dream.

I had stinging cuts on my back and arms where I had plunged throught the gold chains. I was naked under the silk. That was right. I had left the robe on the floor somewhere. Shen. The servants would have found it. I turned to look through my curtains at the horde of people waiting for me to rise. "Go away and all of you leave me alone,” I snarled. “If anyone wants me they can come to me here."

Binshala came to me with a tray in her hands, with a steaming bowl of water, gauze and a pot of salve and stood silently, waiting. I sat up and slid my feet out onto the top step and wordlessly held out my arms to her. There was no reason for me to be polite. I was evil. I was darkness all the way through. I was irredeemable. If my body could do that to the best friend I had in the world I was Father’s son in every way.

I moved through my morning not bothering to speak. There was nothing to say. I moved through my Ritual Ascension practise, every sacred move grinding into my body my hypocrisy. No wonder Father didn’t believe in the Gods. 

I wrote in my school notes that night, based on Tobeas's teachings.

“The son is like the father, blood following blood. Muunas Lord of Lords instructs that blood is thicker than water. Sins of the Father become the sins of the son generation following generation down to the pit of Hayel. Sons honour your Father. He is your guide to Selestialis. Fathers are the guiding Light. Love your Father above all.”

I hated my Father. So I was forzak for that. I was required to love Him as I loved the Gods. I couldn’t make myself do it and I was forzak for that as well. But Father denied the Gods and by their own words I was as culpable for His sin as He was, just by birth. Forzak again. Perhaps I should write out for myself how many times I was damned to Hayel just sitting here.

I couldn’t go near Ilesias. I shouldn’t because I would taint him with my touch, my presence, my being too close to him. He was only a baby and didn’t deserve to have me paint him.... taint him with my corruption. I was full of rot. I felt filled to bursting inside with rot and gangrene.

I went to all the Formal meals and ate what I should until my gut was brusting sore. Father was in an excellent mood and laughed a great deal at the entertainments, and offered me sweetmeats from his own hand. I laughed when he did. I couldn’t feel anything.

I wondered if I could feel anything any longer. It would be good if I could not. Good. Obviously Father didn’t feel anything. Now that I knew who I was, I obviously didn’t either. I was forzak. This was Hayel in the midst of glittering gold. I couldn’t catch my breath and the whole elaborate court was hard to see, swimming in glitter.

Ilesias tried to crawl to me at Dinner’s end and I turned my back on him. The moment I did I caught the glint in Father’s eye. I was behaving predicatably and that made him happier.

I moved through the next days not feeling anything. I couldn’t sleep. I had fewer excuses to avoid the formal meals. The high dinner was the hardest, with Kyriala sitting at my right hand, my companions at my left. Father in his chair raised above everyone else, unless he chose otherwise.

I felt like a greasy blot of darkness in the midst of splendour and ate by rote, taking a bite when Father did or if He was not there I picked an Aitzas and ate when they did.

**

It felt so good. It felt wonderful. I wanted it. I wanted to feel that again. I writhed and moaned as I felt that glorious sensation. I was plunging in. In. I opened my eyes and saw Shefenkas’s face, wracked with anquish as I buried myself in his mouth. I woke with a scream that had the guards running in with Binshala.

I couldn’t breathe to say “no.” I couldn’t draw breath. I wheezed and one of the guards dared thump me on the back to get me to breathe again. I had both hands locked over my crotch bending my aching penis down, curled around myself. It hurt. It hurt so much. It didn’t hurt enough for the offence. “Get out...” I managed to gasp. “Leave me... a nightmare...”

“Spark –“ Binshala spoke up and I cut her off savagely.

“You. Shut up. Get out...” I tried to pull in a breath, managed to get a shuddering one in. “I don’t need you.”

I used the lash of my words to drive them all out. I waited, quivering, for the sound of the closing doors, before I used my fist on myself to make the awful, ugly thing between my legs soften. I saw stars and felt enough pain to pay for the vile dream before it would subside.

I sobbed dry, in intense relief, when it finally obeyed me. I rummaged by myself in one of my closets...and tore up a soft night shirt, unadorned with metal wire, though I considered it -- to give me wide bandage to wind around my hips and between my legs. I tied it tight and snug, folding my penis and testicles down tight against my body. It wasn’t going to rise again without my knowing.

**

I had a restless night and woke in pain. My genitals were swollen and I was hard but it felt different than the passionate rise. I managed to make it go away in the garderobe, by pissing but I punched it again for rising without my will. Then I stood trying to catch my breath and make the star-bursts in my head fade off.

I’d have to read in First Amitzas’s books how to suppress an erection without injury. That would be more difficult now, since he’d begun locking his office against me as had Meras. I would have to ask to read his books.

But that would be appropriate training for an evil Spark. The Mahid library. It wasn’t large but held all their training books... books about control of one’s self and others.

As a Spark of the Sun’s Ray I was a dark ember, the sort that starts the fires. My chest squeezed tight and I felt like I carried a hot coal under my breast bone. Perhaps a drink of ice water would cool that back down to where I felt nothing.

I was bruised enough that I wasn’t bothered by any kind of stirrings the rest of the day and had a goblet of ice sent to me before bed. If I should be woken by another nightmare I might have ice water in the depth of the night to kill it and cool my disgusting ardour.

I slept, but woke up before the sun was up, even outside the city. I felt sick and feverish and couldn’t think straight. I dragged myself out of bed quietly and shocked myself awake and into control with the cold soak. Then I went to my desk to write.

There were the first three ways I was condemned to Hayel that I had already written. I read them through and then put down the pen. Why did it matter how many times I was damned? Once was enough. There was no reason I shouldn’t be everything Father wanted.

I had raped my best friend. No one had held me down. Shefenkas had let go of my wrists and I hadn’t run. I had lain there and plunged my... I threw my hands over my eyes, pressing the the heels of my hands against them as if I could press away the sight in my memory. No. I wouldn’t think of that.

I pushed back from my desk slowly. Untied my robe. I had to stand up and unwind my wrapping. And then sat down again, slowly, gingerly. I almost didn`t want to look down at myself but almost had to.

My penis lay on my testicles, to one side against my thigh, wrinkled, soft. How could such a small amount of flesh cause such pain? Such intense pleasure? Such hatred? I could just grab the offending organ and cut it off.

I imagined it. I wanted to. It would never bother me again. But I would disinherit myself if I gelded myself. And it was just the symbol of what I was. That was Father’s point. It was just the spark for all the evil residing naturally in me. I would indulge not in sex but blood.

I looked out on the city and took a deep breath, trying to ease the pain in my chest. I drew in the dark with the cool night air and smiled, like a scream. As I was Father, it was all mine, and I would let them see how dark my night could be.

Perhaps the best punishment for me would be to endure and learn how the fiend in me would be manifest. I’d sworn that this would not be the way. But the Gods... Muunas... I cringed inside. Muunas would hate me. Muunas was a God of Light and a God of Judgement. I would burn in his sight. Like I burned now. I was already in Hayel though still breathing.

It twitched as though it felt my regard and I covered myself up with a gasp, scrambled to the garderobe again and tried to vomit out some of the rot that filled me.