495b - I Cannot Be Here
Inensa raised an eyebrow and poured for him. “It is... the half that is not mine... of your parentage... and your name in the eyes of Arko... that I was thinking of.”
Inensa raised an eyebrow and poured for him. “It is... the half that is not mine... of your parentage... and your name in the eyes of Arko... that I was thinking of.”
He accepted the eggshell thin cup from her glove
and raised it to her with a slight smile.
She pointedly did not look at him as she poured for herself. And took another tiny cake. “You think, my son, I am being an over-protective mother?”
He blinked. “Um…” Is she joking? Of course not. She’s Mahid. “Over-protective? No. I... am... pleased to have a mother. Thank you.” She is uncomfortable with me identifying with Mahid at all. I’m still working out how much I want that half of my family, since I’ve been raised to think of myself as nothing but Aan. And I was voted into position as Aan. Politically speaking, the people of Arko want me to be nothing but Aan.
She pointedly did not look at him as she poured for herself. And took another tiny cake. “You think, my son, I am being an over-protective mother?”
He blinked. “Um…” Is she joking? Of course not. She’s Mahid. “Over-protective? No. I... am... pleased to have a mother. Thank you.” She is uncomfortable with me identifying with Mahid at all. I’m still working out how much I want that half of my family, since I’ve been raised to think of myself as nothing but Aan. And I was voted into position as Aan. Politically speaking, the people of Arko want me to be nothing but Aan.
He drained his cup
and set it down with a click. “Mother,
what do the other Mahid think of this?”
“Your grandfather favours it.”
“And as a Senior, this is correct, but that is the old way. They are people of Arko. For Mahid to be loyal to the Empire as a whole, they -- as individuals -- must be given the choice. That’s one of the main differences between the old way and the new.”
“Oh.” She looked somewhat taken aback and contrite. “True. Ahem.” Has she been visiting Ailadas? “I don’t know what they think. I suppose... they must be asked.” She raised both eyebrows. “And the women as well. They are the bulk of the Mahid now.”
“Of course mother. Then that is our --” No, she and all Arko need me to be Aan, not Mahid. “-- the -- next step.”
“Your grandfather favours it.”
“And as a Senior, this is correct, but that is the old way. They are people of Arko. For Mahid to be loyal to the Empire as a whole, they -- as individuals -- must be given the choice. That’s one of the main differences between the old way and the new.”
“Oh.” She looked somewhat taken aback and contrite. “True. Ahem.” Has she been visiting Ailadas? “I don’t know what they think. I suppose... they must be asked.” She raised both eyebrows. “And the women as well. They are the bulk of the Mahid now.”
“Of course mother. Then that is our --” No, she and all Arko need me to be Aan, not Mahid. “-- the -- next step.”
**
Mahid have
always been told what to do. This is the wildest of what has been asked
of
them. They will be given the choice. Something that has apparently
never been
given them, at all, after their founding.
Minis’s hand came up
as they were about to enter
the training hall and he stopped where he stood. “Wait.”
Amitzas and Inensa looked at him, puzzled. “I can’t do this… I mean… I
shouldn’t.”
“What do you mean, grandson?” Amitzas looked
almost
disapproving as if to say what now?
“I can’t present this
to them or anyone else. Everyone will think it’s because I’m like my
father and want my Mahid. And… they
might tell me what they think I want to hear.
No matter what I say. So their
oaths might be suspect.”
“You are correct.
Anyone else this is presented to, by you,” Inensa said. “Would
immediately think of you and your
father at the same time.”
“Not something I
want.” Minis turned to put his back against the wall
and tilted his head back to rest against the stone. “And for this… I
can’t even be in the room.”
“I will present the
argument, grandson.” Amitzas tilted his head toward Inensa.
She nodded. “I will
inform you, my son, of their
choice, whether we should even continue.”
“Attend Mahid.”
That was all 1st Amitzas said when he took his place at the
front of the training hall. They had
left Minis outside.
He let his eye
take them all in. Next to Inensa sat Tesha.
Then came Selisa with her newborn, Iakobas in her arms. The younger
girls, Jorasa, Amitza and Eforasa
sat together since there had been no demand to break up growing
friendships. Ruta, 2nd
Inensa, Istana, Borasa, and 3rd Elsha, who had been a medic’s
wife and an excellent assistant, also sat
together. Ruanna sat, somehow isolate,
between the older mahid women and Joras and his wife Elsha. Ilesias –
once 4th Ilesias Mahid
-- stood behind, in parade rest. He was
visiting, from his marriage in Yeola-e.
“My daughter and I
have been talking about the
future of the Mahid, whether we should request a future for the family,
or let
it dwindle.” He spoke deliberately and slowly.
“Many people would insist that the Mahid should dwindle, since we
have been a symbol for terror for the past
few generations.”
Elsha, heavy enough
now that her pregnancy was
noticeable even behind the voluminous ‘mother-to-be dress’, leaned into
Joras
and he put his arm around her.
“However. We have
considered that the Mahid could be an asset to the
people of Arko.” A group of Mahid did not
startle. They did not twitch and shift
and look at one another. At most their
attention became more focused.
495c - I Require You to Speak Freely
“I have heard some sermons that preach that
we
Arkans deserved not only to lose the war, but deserved the sack. Carry
that idea to its logical conclusion,
then the Mahid deserved death most of all.”
The sensation of grim and despairing acceptance flooded the room.
Joras’s face reflected the most mulish denial.
“Joras,” Amitzas said mildly. “You do not
agree with this assessment?”
“Those who were unable to adapt to change
died,
Senior. The Mahid, as I am finding in
myself, are far more than mere mechanisms built by the former Imperator
and
Imperators before him. If our attempt to
do our duty mindlessly, doomed some, these Mahid, by their very
presence, shows
me that they are capable of mindfully doing their duty… with
intelligence.”
Amitzas looked
at him for a moment, to see if he
would shift, or back down, then nodded slightly. “Your thinking is
good, I believe. Mahid, as mindless, unthinking and insane
weapons of a single man, are dangerous and, as has been shown,
untenable. The bulk of the Mahid were dragged down by
their unthinking obedience.” He looked
down at them all staring up at him, the tension singing high in the
room.
“I am convinced
that the Mahid should
continue. The skills which we have honed
and refined over the Ages are something that might be of value to the
Empire as
a whole.”
He waited and it
was as if the silence grew
deeper. “I present this idea to you all,
to find out what you as thinking Mahid wish to do.”
This time there was a ripple through the
group. This was so far beyond anything
that had ever been presented to them it over-rode the usual responses.
“I require you to speak freely,” Amitzas
said. “Will you swear to the greater good and glory
of the Empire? Will the Mahid continue,
swearing to the Empire’s Glory, rediscovering their integrity, and
without
sacrificing their integrity to one man?
Anyone who will swear so, may stand.”
The whole group began to rise and he made a
hissing
noise that froze them all in their places.
“I repeat, Mahid, thinking Mahid.” Half of them made to sit down
once more, half
rose all the way. Then those on their
feet sat down just as the other half rose.
“Ssssssst!”
That froze them once more then, as one, they all sank down.
Inensa rose from her seat. “I intend to
serve. I will swear.”
Eyes slid sideways to look at the Mahid in
the
chair beside, one way, the other way.
Ruanna shifted and looked down. “I
am sworn,” she said. “I want… things to
stop changing.”
Joras stood up.
“I will swear.”
His wife stood
up as well. “I will, also. Not just because my husband has sworn, but
because in this new kind of Empire, I may do more than say ‘yes, Senior’
or ‘yes,
Imperator.” Joras grinned down at her
and put his arm around her.
One after the other Mahid rose, each one
giving
their reasons for being willing to swear.
At the end, only Ruanna remained sitting.
“Ruanna, you are a faithful Mahid and we
honour
you. We are grieved that you will not be
proceeding forward with the rest of us.
Retire with all honour.”
The rest of the Mahid watched, in silence,
as she
rose, slowly, hem of her gown shaking, showing how much she quivered.
Her face was a complete mask, as had been
proper, as she paced out of the training hall past Amitzas who did not
turn to
watch her go.
496 - In the Regent Imperator's Mail Bag
VA
e 82 56 / Ar 10 51
Dear Kall:
I am sorry to take so long to write you back—you received my pigeon dated S 33 I hope? I’ve been out of touch with everyone but a very few.
Yes, Niku went to Ibresi, with her two of my children. We had been meaning for her to visit, but the way it happened was after a bad fight instead, & she left it unclear whether she’d return, so I signed consideration, which is the first step in a Yeoli divorce, & means the spouses must speak to each other in the presence of a good intermediary.
But then I had the memory of being stream-tested come back to me, & tried to kill myself again… sorry, Kall, a thousand times sorry. Sometime when we are together I will try to describe how I felt… by way of excuse, sorry again. Surya anticipated it, though, & had good people on me. He had me declared incompetent in court, sequestered me in a house up on Haranin & did very intense healing work on me until I was over it. I have had very hard times in my life, but this was one of the hardest. I have to be careful when I think about it even still.
One thing I decided in that time was to renounce the stream-test… never to do it again to any child of mine, & in fact dissuade other Yeoli parents. This is confidential now, because I must be very careful how I do it, including not starting now while people have it in their minds I’m out of mine. (I haven’t read through everything that has been written about all this—if there’s anything you’ve read that particularly struck or concerned you, ask me & I’ll tell you whether it’s true, to my understanding.)
So I sent a pigeon to Niku, to that effect. It had been in the back of my mind that our quarrels, that became so much worse after it came clear she was carrying another pair of twins, were underlain by our disagreement about that, &her dread of doing it again. If I let her know my change of heart, she might revise her opinion of me; so I hoped.
She came back with Vriah & Roshten on Ar 4, &… well, let’s just say, it was a sweet and intense reunion. We are all right now, I am sure.
After Alchaen assessed me yet again, and the judge questioned me, on her requirement that I swear never to attempt suicide again, & if the urge comes, to do certain things, which I swore, I had the incompetence ruling reversed two days ago, &was reinstated as ceremonial semanakraseye yesterday (you can’t be s’seye when you are incompetent). My half-year medical leave has been renewed, also. I moved back down to the HI this morning (answering letters was the first thing I started in on, & I’m answering yours before any other in the stack).
That’s the bones of it; I’ll tell you more, if you want, when we are next in person, though as I said, anything you really want to know, ask in a letter. I love you, I miss you no less terribly than you miss me, & I am sorry for whatever pain I have caused you.
On reading your mention of “the Kallen incident” I found Minis’s letter. Oh my great All-Spirit that Encompasses All Deities! I wanted to laugh my guts out in the sense of puking all over my nice office floor. At the same time… I have seen many amazing things in my life, & this was a mere Imperial audience, but I still have to count this as one of the most amazing. I would NEVER have imagined that Abatzas would come to YOU offering his services (his brilliant, brilliant services) as a general. If you’d predicted it would happen, I would have told you to get off the Arkanherb. It even surpasses the Mezem Director trying to talk me into starting it up again after I came back.
You’re flogging yourself too much—again—my love. You mean to have him charged, so telling him you will is fair warning, not purposeful frightening. (Though I hope you had or will have him arrested before he skips town.) Rub his face in your rage? I don’t blame you. I hardly can, after what I did to Kurkas, & to Arko, in mine. Even if I had never done these things, though, I still would not condemn you. You didn’t pick him up & fling him out the window, you didn’t make him suck you (you are blessed), you didn’t make him eat your shit, you didn’t even hit him. He should be thanking his GNG that he got out of your presence so unscathed. Don’t feel filthy just because you have a human heart.
Tell Minis it doesn’t matter what mean, paltry people will think. You’re never going to satisfy them anyway.
You are right, when you ask if Laisa will fit in with the family, I think of her character & her caste does not even enter my mind. A solas was good enough for ME!
I certainly like her well, and everyone else seems to. Including your parents. I think she would be good from what I know of her from sparring. Even if I hadn’t, I would think she would fit just on your say-so. Does she have a clear idea of what she’s walking into—including leaving Arko for Yeola-e? Is she all right with sharing you sexually not only with me but with Niku & Skorsas? Have you written them or are you asking me to speak to them about her for you? What would be best is if we could all meet; shall we arrange that? (I am stuck in VA until the Committee is done its work—but best she visit here anyway; if she can’t bear the thin air, for instance, we must plan differently.)
Seems you need something, so here it is:
Just breathe, Kall. You’re doing fine.
& I love you. I know these things now at a level I never could have imagined before. I have so much to share, when we are in person next. Happiness, we need only choose… it seems unbelievable, doesn’t it? But I am learning the truth of it, & if I can, anyone can. I love you more than I can describe, more than this thin page & these ink-scratching could ever convey. My heart contains the vastness of the sky itself, in the form of love for you. Breathe that, Kallijas Itrean.
A touch of my two sword-hand fingers, from your
Chevenga
My thanks to Karen for the title too as well as for writing the Chevenga letter, terrible handwriting and all! Well, I fixed it now...
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