Kin Immen Kazien’s Horrid Vice Revealed!!
by Tiraias Sentas fessas, Pages Staff Writer
[Tir--I’m editing this as if I believe it. If this is some kind of insane fikken prank you are so fired your ass will be leading your teeth. -Inth]
[Second Fire come if I lie, boss. I was there. Though with you it’s got to be Four-thousand and Second Fire come -Tir]
On Anae 12th, a servant of Kazien’s household, to wit, his personal valet of thirty years’ service, Lindan Foldaran, gave a crowd of writers, from the Pages and elsewhere, access to his erstwhile master, while he was in mid gallop, shall we say, of his predilection.
We were guided into the basement of the Flying Horse Manor and to a cross-passageway. “That way,” Foldaran said, indicating the passage one way, “Leads to the stables.” He opened a door large enough to let an animal into and in the room beyond was Kazien. At least I assumed it was Kazien for I could not immediately see the face of the man strapped to an extremely sturdy, padded bench in the middle of an elaborate cage.
He wore a head-piece shaped like a horse’s head, complete with bridle and reins lashed hard to his ankles and a luxuriant horse’s tail strapped to his hips. (See the accompanying illustration.) “Foldaran!” he cried, and we recognized the voice immediately as Ser Kazien’s. “How long does it take to fetch a [adjective deleted] hors...” We had, every one of us, been stricken silent as we took in the scene before us, but we must have made some noise.
He froze for a moment in shock, then yelled out, “Help! Help! Arrest that man! He hit me! He tied me up here... he’s doing this to ruin my campaign!” among other things. But while he tried to convince us that he was not there by his own will, Foldaran calmly called, “’Ware stallion!”
He had gone down to the stable, while we gaped, and released one of the priceless studs. Rather than bolt for the paddock or simply stay in the stable as one might expect, this matchless beauty of an equine creature, bred for centuries by the Kazien family, trotted calmly, eagerly and rather... routinely to the room with the cage and the man. He was not being led by Foldaran.
There, to our stunned silence, the animal immediately sniffed, nuzzled, and then performed... as stallions perform, biting into the shoulders of the headpiece, that was obviously padded just for that purpose, to protect delicate human skin from large jagged teeth. The Imperial candidate screamed as if he were in agony, but a glance between his legs from the front belied that.
After the horse had dismounted, Kazien avowed that it was normally his valet in this position, not him, and he normally just preferred to watch... but Foldaran offered immediately to be truth-drugged. “I have lashed my erstwhile master down upon this bench every second day for nearly thirty years,” said he, “and released him after he’d had his fill.”
What Ser Kazien said at that point I must request my readers to imagine, since persons of now delicate sensibilities read, and I would never pour such filth into their eyes. Suffice it to say that Ser Kazien did not agree to be similarly truth-drugged. In the meantime, Foldaran led the stallion, docile with happy satiation, back to its stall, and released another that was fervently aroused. He did exactly the same as the first, completely unmoved by either noise or audience.
As the second stallion was led away, a writer from the Brahnviki News asked, “Would Ser Kazien care to comment on his current chances to win the Crystal Throne?” Again, Ser Kazien’s response cannot be printed in a respectable publication.
Shortly afterward, a small detachment of the Marble Palace guard, led by Guard Captain Kreras Saranieras, lassoed the event, corralled the remaining stallions (I remind the gentle reader that Ser Kazien has eight uncut male horses kept separated in his stable, as was revealed during his disastrous fete) and herded us all off the estate.
I ventured to ask the stern-faced Captain, should his presence be interpreted to mean that the Imperator was aware of what was happening here?
"He is," Kreras gritted, his face taut and grim. "It is by his order I was sent to call a halt to this, and liberate Ser Kazien."
What, I asked, was the Imperator's reaction to this revelation?
"You will have to ask him that. I do not pass on what he says in private."
The Imperator, He Whose Hand Holds the Reins of the World, confirmed that he had sent the unit on the double and commented only, "I won’t judge a candidate on personal matters. Arkans may judge for themselves when they vote."
Kazien's rival for the throne-by-election and son of the late Imperator, Minis Aan, quipped with an entirely straight face, "Should Arko decide that my honourable opponent is worthy to be Imperator, I am reasonably sure they won’t have to worry about the verbal influence of his lovers. His worst worries now must be the straw-ballots."
Mil Torii Itzan interrupted party preparations to comment, "I... I am shocked... I am speechless... I... I am in abject pity for my poor friend Kin."
Adamas Kallen and Kallijas Itrean are out of the city on speaking tours and are unavailable for comment.
I asked Saeririas Norben, whom Ser Kazien employs to manage his campaign, how he felt this revelation would affect his employer's prospects of victory.
He had not heard about it, and when it was explained to him, simply refused to believe it, and thus no comment was immediately forthcoming. However, his resignation was tendered the next day.
No sign of the Kazien family has been seen outside the Flying Horse, even though it is the height of the Celebratory Season. Ser Kazien has quietly announced that he has cancelled several speaking engagements.
She walked the limited route she was allowed. She made no attempt to go elsewhere except in her mind.
But that crude man has removed one more impediment from my son gaining the Crystal Throne. One less barrier to him attaining his birthright and, if I may be allowed so selfish a thought, perhaps I will not need to die. I... and this child... will not need to die.
My thanks to Kevin for many of the articles excerpts and puns and to Karen for more puns and giving the main story that inimitable Intharas touch! And to Toast for suggesting more puns.
I would like to do a Pages article, a Man on the Street piece. If you care to be an Arkan, let me know in the comments what your reaction is to the Horse Scandal!